I don't know why you have been in my thoughts recently. I'm on the other side of the world and did not expect to be thinking about you as I am.
It has been 10 1/2 years and I barely remember you, but I remember going out to eat with you and hanging out at grandma Jenny's, eating pizza and watching movies with you and my family on Friday nights. I remember wearing out our Selena tape on our way to LA every week to see you in the hospital and am reminded of you everytime I drive through the grapevine and pass the LA hills with the beautiful homes on top. I vividly remember visiting you in the hospital after you had chemo. Your hair fell out and you were in pain, but you always had a smile on your face and something uplifting or funny to say; you comforted us in the pain we felt for you.
I wish I wasn't afraid to sit by you or touch you when you had cancer. What was I so afraid of? I was so young.
My mom says you were like an older brother to me. My dad says you laughed hysterically when he told you I knocked over a display in petsmart when Ronie put a rubber snake in my face. I was still new to the family, but we were just as much family as blood relatives.
I miss you and think about what I remember of you. Until my 19th birthday, I thought you being 19 was what killed you, stupid I know. I was afraid to be 19, because of the perception I grew up with. Your hardest time was your last month, from what I remember, and I am exactly the same age you were when you died. Your whole life has a new perception in my eyes. I have been blessed with more than I could ever imagine and still have so much more life to live. I am living in Africa, and have visted New York, Rwanda, Hawaii and lived in the hills in Tennesee. I got out of Bakersfield and went away to my dream university and could not ask for anything more in life. I think of the things I have accomplished and the beauty I am seeing all over the world, part of me feels like I do it in your memory, because you were unable to do any of it yourself, even if you tried.
I love you and miss you. I am excited to see you again when this world passes away. I drop by your resting place when I can when I am home and tearfully update you on what's going on in my life.
I feel like I am crying as hard now as I was the night I found out you died. I don't know if I need to get over your death or remember you and thank God for blessing me with the days I have been given. I think of the joy and peace you manifested in your last days and wish to live as you did in your last days. You lived life to the fullest and did all you could with the family when you realized the disease would overtake you.
I admire you and pray that I would live the rest of my life as you did. God is good and continues to use your death to speak to me. I miss you and am excited to be greeted by you, Eddie, grandma Jenny, Aunt Blanca, and most importantly Jesus Christ when it is my turn to meet my reedemer face to face, who gave us life beyond this physical world.
